Pretending for Home

Ever feel like you're pretending to be someone you're not?
This seems to be the resounding thought going through my head lately. I don't know whether I am just having difficulties adjusting to the difficulties of school life, or I really am pretending. I had really hope for better than mediocrity, and that seems to be all that I am getting...despite every effort that I put in. It's quite discouraging really.

It's strange when you realize that you don't really have a home. When I was asked if I was going home for reading break, my answer was yes, I am returning to the place where I lived for a long period of time, however, I don't really think of my parents' place as home anymore. However, the physical area, the lower mainland is most definitely my home. That is one thing that I have realized. I miss vancouver. To the nth degree.

So, this idea of going to victoria, or making my home as I go, I am kind of realizing that it's crap. My home is where my people are. And really, I think I knew that all along, but I am just realizing it now. Wow, after reading that over, it sounds like I have watched Garden State too much. But this is where I am at.

I figured out some more on "We are a certain distance apart". Maybe it has to do with home, and the fact that despite the idea that we can escape from each other and be away from our home, we actually only are a certain distance apart, and no more than that. I also think that this may have to do with difference. I mean, we always say that we are so different and distinct from each other, but I am finding out more and more that we really aren't all that different from each other, although we try to be. So, thats why we are only a certain distance and not a distance apart. Just a thought.

Bunnies!

So this the view from my window. Enjoy.

Sneezing

So I have this bugger of a cold.
Seems to me that every time I have a break of some sort coming up my body likes to ruin it. It goes like this. I work my hard for two weeks, then I start to plan some time off, some relaxing time and the good old body goes. Nope, you're not allowed to have fun because I am going to give you a stuffy nose, make you feel dizzy and to top it all off, when you are going to go read or do some work I am going to make your nose leak...like a faucet.
This is what happened to me yesterday. I finally got enough energy to get myself out of my bed and make my way to the library. I went there prepared with kleenex and water, get my reading material and settle myself into a nice comfy chair to read away. So, within about 15 minutes of having my head bent over my books, my kleenex supply is gone and I have moved onto wiping my nose with my hand or sleeve, because, well, the library is obviously a public quiet space and me snuffling the whole time is not conducive to others studying. So here I am trying to control my leaky nose while still reading and not sniffling. And then, I sneeze. And not a dry sneeze, oh no, it is one that manages to clear my nasal cavity from all the containment work I have been trying to do. So now, there is fluid all over my hand, my pen, and no kleenex. What to do. I had to keep reading, my materials were on reserve and I needed to get it done. Now, the silly thing about our library is that I have yet to discover washrooms near to the comfy chair area. So, what happens next...the good old sleeve comes out. No wonder I didn't get any roses yesterday.

Octopus Jazz

Does jazz make you feel sophisticated?
For me it does. Always inspired to dim the lights and enjoy some wine while listening to Miles. It is really too bad that I am not actually sophisticated and most of the time it ends up being me and my fish listening to jazz while i sip on wine while attempting to do homework. It's probably a good thing I don't listen to jazz that often because I don't have that much money to spend on wine. However, tis an enjoyable experience nonetheless.

So, I went scuba diving in a dry suit for the first time. I'm not sure I am fully into the cold (or should I say cool) water diving experience. It seems like a lot of work to be really cold. However, seeing an octopus and a 40-50 year old ling cod was definitely enjoyable. And, feeling like an astronaut was an added bonus for sure.

I love old people. My grandparents especially. They gave me a meal tonight. I love it. they totally go out of the way to make me feel special. I should go visit them more often.

Boys and Beer. What is the obsession? Or, more importantly, what is the incessant need to outdo each other and become progressively louder and louder? Is it an acceptance thing? Girls don't do this when they drink. I have no need to drink 100 shots of beer in a row. Actually, the thought kind of makes me ill. I suppose girls have the problem of outdoing in other ways, like how we dress, how many guys we 'get', what kind of foods we eat, blah blah blah.

I'm reading a book right now about consumption. It's interesting. Not sure if I agree with everything they are saying, but there is one idea that they nailed. Consumption based on distinction. Basically, the idea is that classical radical theorists say that people consume based on the sameness, you know, keeping up with the Joneses type of deal. Well, I think the authors are finally starting to get it right when they say that this is not true, that we consume based on distinction, and the higher up the social ladder we get, the more we do this. Because we can afford to? I think this is interesting, because the counterconsumption people always tell you to not buy into this brand and that brand and to be different. Really, its a matter of trying to emulate the upper classes. Kind of like sanskritization in India.

This is interesting to me. I know that the business guys and economists knew this a long time ago, hence, brand proliferation and that type of thing, its striking to me that the social sciences are just starting to catch onto this, because really, its been happening for a really long time. What kind of implications does this have? How much do we need to consume to be 'distinct'? If everyone is trying to be 'distinct' are we really that distinct anyways? I dont think we are. Not saying I don't do this, I do. And, sometimes it's not a bad thing, however in other instances it is. Such as in India with women, because it is interesting to note that the higher up in the castes that you go, the more the women are oppressed. Granted, if they have everything handed to them on a silver platter, I don't think they are complaining so much, but I know I would be, if I had everything like my sexuality and such controlled.

Then again, sexual control happens here. Like the word slut. Someone actually had the nerve to say that to me the other night, it doesn't bother me to be called that because I know that I am not, but if I was, would it really matter? I mean, slut intones a girl who has slept with a lot of guys. Not even for money (that's more of a whore or a prostitute). So what is the problem with this? So what if she has slept with a lot of guys? Whose business is it except hers? If a guy does it, hes not called a slut (I know, its such a done argument).

We are a certain distance apart. Came across this on a piece of paper on a wall in Vancouver. What does this mean? I can't say I know. It's interesting. If you take the word certain out, it makes the interpretation a lot easier, but the addition of certain just totally complicates the situation. I'll let you know when I come up with something.

Sunny Hammock Days and Thai Pants

Today was productive.
I had a meeting with the student who researches overseas internships, and the such. Turns out there is a lot of info on these type of things, however most require you to have a graduate degree of some sort and I am just a lowly undergraduate. Guess a CIDA internship is not in the cards for me, maybe one day. But, there is this Mexican couple that is looking for someone to come help with educating orphans. Could be a good time. Set on a beautiful island, but its touristy. There's always a downfall to everything I suppose.

In other news, I strung up my hammock today. That was a bit of a task by myself. Trying to tie knots around trees that will support my weight and not fall down, while balancing my hammock in such a sense that it will not fall and get wet. It must have been quite comical to see. Given that today was beautiful made all my comical-ness worthwhile, and I know there must of been some jealousy of me, my hammock, Thai pants and the bunnies.

I miss cooking. Its odd that I miss that, because I used to never be able to think of what to make, but I miss basil, peppers, egg fajitas, and tuna melts. Maybe because cafeteria food is so uninspiring? I dont know. Time to go be uninspired by dinner. Well, at least I have wine.

Justice and Zissou

Why does my room stink?
I mean, I walk in here, expecting a nice, calming, productive scene and I get stink. But, really its okay because I get used to incredibly quickly and don’t actually do anything about it. I suppose that’s like life in a sense. I make all these commitments and goals to myself, while of course, I am away and displaced from reality (or experiencing actual reality? I don’t know) and then I get back here and I just end up getting caught up in it all again and I don’t actually make any progress. Its like playing checkers. You know, you move forward a bit and then you move sideways to sidestep the inevitability that you are going to get jumped and taken out. Dodge, and retreat. That’s kind of how I feel about it all right now. I suppose this sick dream I have of actually making a difference and my espoused goal of traveling the world…its like my stinky room. I just get used to being back here and don’t do anything except complain about how I want to leave again. I suppose education is a necessary step, so I am doing something. But I always here about these people that are doing all these amazing things, just got thrown into it and here I am slaving away at this education that I am coming to loathe.

And then there is Zissou. He’s kind of got it made. Got his little bowl, a hand to sprinkle some food in, no more needs than that. Just swim around a bit, look pretty and don’t die too early are his priorities.

So I have to write this essay on justice and reconciliation with an unjust society, having to do with the Socratic definition of justice...keeping to yourself...pretty hard to do in this highly social atmosphere I am living in at the moment. So basically, what I came down to was that you have to have hope. Because, thats how Socrates ends the quote and it seems to make sense to me. Thats pretty hard to do though, when you are caught up in it all, but I've got nothing else right now.